To Begin Again
The air feels thick with despair. It’s already late January and I’m having a hard time getting started. I’ve got to convince myself the fires will not burn forever - literally or otherwise. Last year, the fires literally burned in my hometown of Pasadena, CA and many of my old friends and neighbors lost their homes. This year, the “fires” are less literal, threatening lives in a different way.
Of the survival responses (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), I find myself in ‘freeze.’ I’m like a frozen piece of meat stuck in a pressure cooker, unable to move, realizing - I’m not the chef here. But I don’t want to stay in this desperate state. How do I get out of this?
Remembering the last time I was stuck
Several years ago, I went razor clam-digging with family and friends for the first time along the Washington coast. After an hour of squatting and digging, I decided to stretch my legs and go for a walk on my own. The muddy, sandy ground felt stable and so I just kept walking further and further away. Suddenly, I stepped on squishy sand. One foot was stuck and so logically, I sent my other foot to the rescue. I began to sink.
Being a non-outdoor person, I didn’t know what to do. The more I struggled, the more I sank. Images of old action movies with people stuck in sinking sand flashed before my eyes. Oh God, I didn’t want to die this way!
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw three adults passing by. I screamed to get their attention. A man, who was bigger than me, quickly came near. Standing on more solid ground, he offered his hand. I took it. Thankfully, he was strong enough to lift me out without sinking himself. I lived another day.
Looking back, it was a humbling and humiliating experience. Of course, my friends and family thought it was funny. What I learned though is I need to seek others for help when I’m sinking.
Beyond self-determination
I realized I had a hard time getting started because I lacked hope. Hope that things can change for the better. Even knowing this, I still couldn’t muster up enough hope within myself. My self-help wasn’t helping.
So I sought out hope-bearers - people who embody hope. They’re not the ones brimming with false optimism or naivete necessarily, rather, they’re people who have experienced hard things but still have hope. As I listened to what they had to say, I contemplated and internalized their messages. I began to feel like I could move again.
In the workplace, we’ve been conditioned to not ask others on our team for help. But realizing our need for another isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s an acknowledgment of our connection to one another. We’re part of the same team, each with strengths to offer.
Maybe the helping hand we need is not someone we know, but some passerby - someone who just has more strength in our area of need. Or maybe we need professional help.
When we feel stuck, are we willing to ask for help?
How to unfreeze
Being in survival mode has its place when the threat is real and imminent, but it’s not meant to be a permanent state of being. Here are some practices that have helped me unfreeze.
Noticing – The here and now. Grounding techniques such as noticing sights, smells, sounds bring calm
Moving – Making small physical movements such as standing up, shaking, wiggling your fingers, etc. to signal safety
Feeling – Acknowledging, sitting with, and/or expressing how I feel without judgment
Identifying – What do I need the most? Paying attention to what comes up and where to ask for help
Seeking– Seeking support and counsel from trusted others (friends, colleagues, trained professionals)
‘Freeze’ can be especially difficult and stressful for those of us who are accustomed to being productive and accomplishing results. Though we can’t just snap out of it, we can gently guide our body and mind to safety. And we don’t have to do it alone. We can ask others for help.
For some inspiration, I’d like to share lyrics from “To Begin Again1,” a song written during the height of the pandemic, when life froze for all humanity.
It’s alright
It’s ok
We will get another day
I don’t know how
I don’t know when
But I do know that we can
Try to begin again, to begin again
To begin to live and love and breathe again
1Michaelson, I., & Malik, Z. J. (2021). To begin again [Song]. Cabin 24 Records.